Start my journey at the eleventhhour

Sometime in the last year, I heard Charles Stanley give a lecture about Thomas Jefferson, who was for separation of Church and State so that the State could not tell Religion what to do. This is often misunderstood and misinterpreted. But I wish I knew more about it, maybe so I could explain it for other people, but even to understand it better in my own head.

He said Jefferson was indeed a Christian, but a nominal Christian rather than a born-again Christian. He believed more in Christian principals than focusing on the Man. Which is somewhat how you could describe my own Christianity sometimes. I didn't get it about it being all about Jesus sometimes.

Anyway, Stanley gave a lot of facts to back up his views.

I am used to focusing on some of the egotistical hypocrites who use religion to dominate others, that's just what I saw growing up, it was right in my face. But I didn't see so clearly the sincere seekers who are really there, who are the reason for the religion. But as I matured I began to see more clearly.

Since I've been thinking about what Jefferson really meant, that the state should not control spirituality. I guess a for-instance would be the Roman Emperor regulating the Jews. They surely didn't care much whether the Jews were living right in the sight of God, but wanted to make sure they didn't change the state religion of Rome any.

I'm kind of excited. In a post at my  Greatestjournal, a friend from the Netherlands commented, and I got to talking a little about my mom's mother's family. Two days ago, someone said they'd done an internet search for my great great grandfather & grandmother. They had some pretty good detail on part of the family. I was still suspicious, though. Yesterday I asked my bro Jim, visiting to see my mom and meet with rest of siblings to arrange details of my mom's final days, or weeks or months. She's really sick, getting quite confused, can't walk, etc.

Anyway, I figured he would know why there might be any scams where people look up your family tree. Sure  enough, getting mom's maiden name is big for use in stealing ID. This morning I got more info, though, and person sounds legit, seems to know a lot already. Will proceed with all caution, but I think this is real thing.

Greatestjournal is by far my main journal, but they are in trouble with various bits of their programming not working. They went overboard guaranteeing 2,000 free icons, and the icons just havebeen disappearing quickly for anyone who has not posted at least once a week. Sad. Also, they had very good notice of new comment system, and that  is on the blink. I'd quit it but for friends there, love them much.

I started Overeaters Anonymous a few  weeks ago, partly out of boredom, but it can't hurt my dieting efforts. I do think I might be a compulsive overeater. There is someone in the group from my high school, same year (1977). So kind of exciting. :D

Quipcollage2.jpg

That's just a pic someone posted at Gj awhile ago, person wasn't sure of the source either, said it was just a cheerful pic for some reason. I though so too.

My mom is in the hospital, we called the ambulance last night. She is basically slowly dying of alcohol consumption, cirrhosis being the particular diagnosis. She hadnt been able to walk to get up and go to the bathroom, and we didn't catch this until she'd messed the couch a few times. She basically sleeps all the time.

I've got a major amount of guilt over this, because I don't think I'm helping out much. I feel like I don't care, because she did this  to herself. And to the rest of us. I feel sorry for her, and I know she has not had a great life, but she sure has taken it out on me a lot more than she should and kept on doing it. I guess time and perspective will help ease  my feelings some. I wish I could improve our relationship somehow while she's still alive, but don't know how. I dangerously don't care. Everyone wonders how I could not get along with such a nice wonderful intelligent person (who shits on me in secret, because she can get back at my dad that way).

*****

On another note I tried to renew my library card today, but the fine is a whopping $36.00. The thing is I had asked before and it sounded like I could get it renewed, no problem. But I guess they didn't realize the fine was so big. I think there might be a mistake, but maybe not. I don't understand why I can't get my life organized enough to get library books back. Things sometimes just surprise me and I feel

to be continued, almos tout of time....

For some reason today I thought of this conversation I had with my mom when I was about 8:

Me: What's war? (the Vietnam War was going on at the time, so was in the papers and everyone was talking about it)

Mom: It's when two countries get a bunch of tanks and guns and soldiers and they fight each other.

Me: How long does it last?

Mom: Oh, about five to ten years.

Lol.

I sort of managed to get through a birthday on the 8th; my youngest bro ad sis in law were there, with the kids. My mom is just really hard to take sometimes, and she always has to be in the front of everything bossing, even if it's not obvious. I hate it. I hope I get over it.

I'm at an alanon friend's house now, Patty, dog and house sitting, and picking up a few extra bucks. This means a lot to someone like me, with no job. Linda, my sponsor, invited a 'spiritual imager' to help us with our life issues, so to speak. I really didn't want to do it, and it cost $15, though I still have to buy a money order and pay the lady. Arg, I hardly have any. It wasn't worth it so much, I don't think. I mean I did get some images and I did have some tears rolling down my cheeks, but these things never seem to be the life changing events they are supposed to be. Then again they seem to have an effect in the long run.

I did pray about it, ask Jesus to bless or block the thing, could barely afford it. Then I got a call from Patty, saying she'd give me a couple bucks if I dog and house sat for the weekend. Then I agonized about it even more. But most of them were uncomfortable about it to some degree. I think we're looking in the wrong direction, though, obviously. This is Alanon, not church, of course. But I still feel odd about it, anxious.

I don't have a church, and it's a long story. I guess I don't feel like explaining right now.

I earmarked $20 of my birthday money as Deathly Hallows funds. If it weren't for being so far from a Target store, I'd be there now. The one where I go has them at $18.99, I think, or 17, but with tax that's $19.24. And I've got a $% gift card from Panera that I earned at Mypoints.com. So I was planning to go to Targ then Panera, which is just a few min. away on foot, and be reading with a cup of coffee and a bagel. But I guess I just have to wait a few days and shut my eyes to the chatter about it online. Frustration, eh?

I went to an ADAA walk gathering, people walking to collect money for the cause of Drug and alcohol addiction aware ness, a few weeks ago. I was experiencing a certain amount of fear for some reason, whenever I thought about going--I was going to chair the table for Alanon, hand out literature for the 12 step group that provides support for friends and relatives of addicts and alcoholics. I wasn't very good about getting prepared, as is usual in my life, I winged it and just couldn't get my thoughts organized to prepare for it. There were one or two things I could have done to get to put on the table, but I kept experiencing fear and confusion. So I just did the best I could. My friend Linda was there too.

I talked to a woman, I don't even know her name, but she was chairing a table that had pamphlets to help Christian  churches understand more about how to deal with addictions. I got onto the subject of a priest who I am convinced, more and more so over the years, is a sex addict and pays hookers to come and service him. I think she is someone who will really do her best to get this investigated. I don't even know her name, and I am so sick of the whole subject of this guy, and yes, scared of reprisal, that I just didn't want to give her my name. I feel a lot better, because I prayed about this, and it's just a weight off my mind.

We went back last week to help the ADAA make thank you packets for the people who helped with the walk. I met a guy who said he was writing about a book about "family healing". He believes in the idea that our DNA carries the memories and experiences of our forebears, that we have instincts and inclinations we've inherited from them. I am familiar with this idea, since reading Bettie Eadie's books about her near death experience. She died and went to heaven, met many people she had known from her life before coming to earth, and she also met Jesus, and asked him many questions regarding heaven and the nature of it and our life on earth. This is one of the things she learned there, that when people think they are remembering their past lives on earth, they are really experiencing their ancestors lives.

This guy believes in reincarnation, but he also said he had an experience where he believed the blood of Christ saved his life. So I hoped to find the reference that Betty made to the DNA imprinting and the mistaken belief  that we are reincarnated, becuase reincarnation was something I was mostly convinced of at one point. But I couldn't find it in the book I have and and I can't check out a copy of her other ones I'd read at the library, because my fine is too high and I can't renew my card and check it out. Or even reserve it! I may have one of her books in storage, but it'll take me a while to find it. I'm pretty sure I'll eventually find it, and I have the guy's email.

*Smiles* I'm pretty sure I'll find it.

My friend Linda, a very kind, considerate and generous person, does not believe in an after life at all. So I think she's relieved that I'll have someone to share my interests with. I was trying to explain something to her about something biblical while we were putting the thankyou packets together, but I'm sure I bit off more than I could chew, and am sure I was boring her. So I kind of regret my runoff at the mouth, but that's what made this guy speak up abot his book, so I'm glad I did after all.

Fascinating stuff. She also says that the reason Jesus said in the Gospels that John the Baptist is Elijah, is not that he is Elijah reincarnated, but that he inherited the Mission of Elijah's prophecies. That we are here to continue the work that others have started or worked on in their lives. Sometimes we could be working on the idea that sexual abuse is not to ever be continued in a family, or something on that order. Certainly some people have a mission to spread the Gospel. And so on and so forth.

Lewis Carroll was a pastor or clergyman who wrote Alice In Wonderland, and CS Lewis was a children's author (Narnia) as well as author of some books for adults, and a Christian author, lecturer, and apologist. They were both English. They were also both British. Since I've been thinking about reincarnation, missions and such, and since I recognized the similarity between their names, their occupations, and their connection to Christianity, I've kind of been wondering about whether it's more than just coincidence. I hope I find out before I pass on.....

:D

I do get obsessed with things sometimes, so of course am really into the online pirate thing. But it's still fun.

Yesterday out of the blue, a friend called and asked if I could use her old television. She had upgraded from her old curbside freebie that doesn't even have a remote, or cable hookups or even I think any VHS type feed whatevers. Well, it's been about 7-10 years since I've had a tv, and honestly have been kind of envying and even starting to get resentful about not having one when everyone else does, but anyway. Yeah, I jumped on it. She said she had gotten her tax bonus, and had gotten a new one, was thinking about getting cable. I told her how enthusiastic I felt after not having one for a long time. She said that's just how she felt when she got it--it was on a curb, with a sign saying "free", or "take me". Said she was glad to know someone who wanted it got it.

I know the feeling, sometimes give stuff away, and wonder if whatever is really getting used well or loved or appreciated. I watched PBS, the sinking of the Japanese warship Yamoto during the second world war. The ship was built because the Japanese didn't like being told they had to limit their # of battleships to nine, when the US and England were allowed by the same armament agreements to have 12-15. So they figured they could just build one of theirs in secret to be the greatest warship ever made, which it more or less was, the largest with the largest guns that could shoot 25 or so miles, needed a plane to be able to spot the target ships over the horizon. So they did it, but didn't like to send it out. After many young men were sent out and killed in the Kamikaze plane bombing missions, they figured that even if the ship got sunk, which they feared, it would be a shame to keep it sheltered while men died. so they sent it out and it was torpedoed and sunk. Sad. Well, not for us, I guess. Except that maybe we would have had to pay more for the victory of WW2 and then been more hesitant about laters wars which we did not do so well in.

The tv needs an antenna to get anything other than VHF channels, but still, I'm glad to have it.

I was looking at someone else's GJ, and saw a link to Puzzlepirates.com, and got obsessed with it. I think I needed a break from routine.

I'm trying to figure out who to ask as a sponsor for Alanon, am really needing one. I thought somehow it was optional from talking to other people, but I am pretty sure I talked to the wrong people. Haha, I guess. It's really a pickle for me, I had one person offer to be it, at least for a while, but ...I'm dubious about it. But I don't have another offer.

I guess I need to be off, just thought I'd update here, though briefly.

I'm just thinking about all kinds of things, my mind wandering. Nathan made a post about people treating Scripture or God like arithmatic, rather than as a person.

But that is about where I am with God. Sometime in about 2000, maybe 2001, I made a conract with Jesus, per a book I read, Evil in America, maybe? It was more or less about demonic possession, and how to get rid of it. I really, truly felt as though something was very wrong spiritually, and the book helped me to get started on clearign it up.

It was a contract giving Jesus permission to get rid of them all, very simple. Well, it was probably a good idea. I needed something like that, and needed to know some things about how God works, and how the spirit works. Since then, I've joined Alanon (a 12-step support group for people who are friends or relatives of alcoholics/addicts.

But I am thinking of joining Overeaters Anon, if I find a meeting place I can walk to. Just thinking, at this point. The only place I know of is a Catholic church nearby, and it's going to be a while till I feel very brave about going in one for a while, was brought up Catholic, and feel like it's just very smothering for me. Long story.

A few years ago I was homeless but for living in the barn in our back yard, and I found a verse in Isaiah about living in peaceful homes:

Isaiah 32:18
"My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest."

I just realized this morning that my mom got carpet laid at my expense--that's why she was pushing me to have a relationship with this guy I eventually kind of moved in with--he wanted to marry me--or whatever. He used to date my sister. I totally didn't get that they were having sex. It's like I guessed it but was in denial and didn't think it was any of my business.

I would rather not have had anything to do with him. My sister 'inexplicably' decided that she that she hated him after a short time, never dated again. I think his coke addiction and alcoholism and the resulting stupid behavior is what did it. Sis and I didn't talk about stuff much, at all. No normal communication whatsoever. He kept following me around, doing the passive-aggressive thing. My mom had been trading her "favors" for construction and remodeling help--I didn't get it. I was in denial, not listening to my instincts and wouldn't have been able to stop her or do anything to help  myself, or think even remotely clearly about the situation. My brothers were doing a lot of drugs, and after I was with this guy a while, I did some too, never really got the hang of it. Bob, the guy I'm talking about, hung around the house all the time, talking to and getting drunk with her, sometimes every weekend.

This guy didn't care bout me at all, he was a carpet cleaner's son, did carpet laying jobs on the side. He used my family as much as he could, and there is so much more I could say about him. I just felt like a lamb led to the slaughter the whole time, and I just really really really was stupid and in denial and whatever. I'd tried moving out and getting jobs and whatnot, but there was never anything but chaos in my home, I wasn't a prayerful person, not someone who prayed every day. I'm still feeling quite iffy there, but getting better at it.

She was urging me to come down to the kitchen every day and "make yourself available". I thought: "does she know what that sounds like?" I thought surely not, but didn't forget that she said it. I know that influenced me in deciding to stay with him as long as I did. The whole time I kept a bottle of bleach and some ammonia--I was going to let it go for a while and then just end it all. I didn't have the courage.

And the whole time, in my life, it has all been about my mother, what she thinks and what she needs, the horrible things she's done, her plots and schemes, her lies and abuse.

And now I'm thinking, why? Is there something I owe her or someone in the family? Why? Even my dreams are about her, my mother.

She used to be spiritual, got off to a great head start. But she just gradually got corrupt. My dad divorced her, couldn't stand her, she couldn't stand him, after 18 years of marriage. After she was divorced a while, she started to drink.

And that was the beginning of the end of her, she went from whore to whoremonger, and is not repentant. So I hope my life is allowed to start.

And....we didn't NEED carpet? Why? Why? why? why?